Abraham

As I struggled with my fear over Savannah leaving and traveling alone, I thought of Abraham.  He was asked to sacrifice Isaac.  He didn't end up having to sacrifice Isaac, but Abraham didn't know that Isaac would be saved.  God said, "Will you allow Me to take him?  Will you give him to me even if that means he is killed?"  I thought that in a way, this was the same sort of test for me.  God didn't tell me she would be alright.  I had to ask myself, "Will I send her anyway, knowing that God might ask this sacrifice of me?"  It makes me weep just to write it down again.  It hurts so badly.

And yet . . .

He didn't ask that of me.  She is fine.  She never was in any real danger.

And yet . . .

I did decide in my heart to trust Him.  So does that mean I passed?  I did not trust that He would keep her safe.  There is a painful difference here.  Was this a failing in my faith?  Perhaps not.  Perhaps it was a test of my faith as it was of Abraham.  I just decided to let Him run His universe as He saw fit--even if that meant . . . even if it meant my daughter wasn't safe.  Which would also mean pain and agony for me.  Would I let Him?  Would I step aside?

It was a hard few days for me (from the time we found out she would travel alone until she actually travelled).  The question still troubles me.  Could that peace have been mine?  If I prayed harder?  If I had managed to calm my soul enough to hear?  Maybe my test was a test of Abraham but only because I couldn't do these things.

And yet . . .

I did step aside.  I took a deep breath and crossed my fingers.  I did pray.  I prayed a lot.  Then I thought of other things and hoped the day would end and I would hear that Savannah was there just fine.  I accepted somewhere that stepping aside was the right thing to do and events would run their course.  I do not know how I would have reacted if she had actually died.  I hope I would not have been mad at Him.  But I know it would have been an agony.  I would NOT have liked it.

But then . . .

Do I know about Abraham?  I mean, I know he could do it and I know he would have, but could I assume that it wouldn't have hurt him?  Terribly?  For days, months, years?  If there wasn't a possibility that it would hurt Abraham, would it have even been a test?  So the test is not in the ability to feel peace but in the doing what's right even when it could destroy what you think brings you peace.  God says that he tested Abraham in this way because it was what He Himself would need to do when He sacrificed His son.  The tempests and earth rending that happened at Christ's death tell us that God did NOT like the sacrifice of His son, either.

Which brings me to my first lesson.  Sadness is a part of life.  It is okay to be sad and okay to be in pain.  The presence of either of those emotions does not indicate a failure of faith on my part!  This is big for me.  Permission granted to suffer and still be worthy of the spirit.  Interesting.

And too . . .

Don't think it has escaped my notice that this sacrifice of Abraham is required of every missionary parent.  I am in awe at the numbers of faithful who send those they love dearest away from their own protecting arms and say to God, "Thy will be done."  That they've accepted that is a comfort to me.  If they can, I can too!  We will give to God what He asks and then stand back to watch the glories He can bring to pass.

That--I will like.