Thinking

I got really, really mad and really, really hurt a few weeks ago.  It felt like getting hit by a truck going 60 mph while I was placidly crossing an intersection.  I do not usually indulge in such emotions and the intensity of the experience took me by surprise.  I haven't noticed making a conscious decision at other occasions in my life to not be offended.  Things just usually don't bother me.  But when it did bother me, oh ho! everything I've ever been taught about not being offended, not judging, and forgiving people . . . well, it did whisper continually in the back of my mind, but it had the effect of making me feel worse.  I couldn't figure out how to make those principles work!  I hurt so badly and I thought, "But what do I do with all this pain?"

So, I learned a few things.  First, just like when you get a physical wound -- leave the poor thing alone and quit touching it.  Just like a physical wound heals more quickly (and hurts less!) when you don't touch it, when someone offends you, don't relive it over and over, don't think about it.  Ban it from your thoughts.  Give yourself some time.  It really does hurt less with each passing week.  Now, I can almost say, "What was I so mad about?"  And that's impressive after all the tears I shed.  I imagined a medieval map in my head and whenever I came around to those thoughts, I knew I was reaching the spot that read, "Here be dragons!" and I needed to turn my boat around.

Unfortunately, that was the only remedy I learned.  I think therapists don't recommend ignoring problems.  Time, though, gives you a better perspective like climbing a tree to see where you are.  Time also lets some of those passions fade so you can think more logically.  I guess I am just going to have to disregard therapists on this one.

The other thing I learned was not so much of how to deal with it and nor was it how to follow counsel concerning it, it was more revelatory about life in general.

I could hear Satan talking in my head.

This is what he said, "Nobody likes you.  Nobody cares about you.  If they did, this never would have happened.  You've been fooling yourself.  You don't have any friends.  You also don't have any skills in this area.  You must not!  If you did, this wouldn't have happened."  He went on and on.  And it was not whispering.  It was pretty loud, in fact, -- if dominance and clarity in your thoughts can be defined as loud.  Satan is a lot more persistent than the Spirit,  Maybe persistent is the wrong word.  The Spirit will tell you once, and maybe remind you when you need it, but the Lord wants you to make your own decision.  Satan, of course, does not want you to make your own decision, he wants you to make the decision he wants you to make so he will repeat it over and over and over -- loudly -- for as long as you let him.  Which is, of course, the key -- how long will you let him?

"Here be dragons."  Turn that boat around.

Which brings me to another conclusion that I have only briefly glimpsed at another time in my life.  The thought that perhaps we determine our own eternal glory, Celestial, Telestial, Terrestial, and in this case Outer Darkness and we live it here.  Do I walk with God in a glory Celestial or do I walk with Satan and spend my days in his darkness?  The choice is my own and the work to do is my own, but if I am persistent and follow true counsel even when suddenly it seems out of my grasp, God will show me the way.  He always has before and I know that He ever will.